Ten--Quincy's First Report Card

Quincy received his report card in a sealed envelope—which he promptly ripped open, read, and resealed in another envelope—at the end of his kindergarten year.  It looked like this:

Quincy Berkley                                   Ingoll’s Training Academy

Age 5

Kindergarten                                       Where Children Come to Shine!

Singing: J J J

Comments: Quincy only sings about half of the songs, but he appears to truly enjoy “Puff the Magic Dragon,” “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” and “Twenty Bottles of Milk on the Wall.”  Sometimes he simply screams.  He asked me once, “What is the difference between screaming and singing?”  I didn’t know how to answer him.  I still don’t.

Coloring within the Lines: J J

Comments: Quincy only seems to use the colors red and black.  He holds the red crayon in one fist and the black crayon in the other fist and he makes clockwise and counterclockwise circles until the paper rips.  Then he colors his desk.

Sharing: J J J J J J J J J J J J

Comments: Quincy is a true networker.  He enjoys walking around the room exchanging his own toys for the toys of others.  He has so many toys, and so his generosity is particularly rewarding to the class.  Whenever something goes missing, we can be sure that it has been somehow misplaced in Quincy’s desk.

Napping Like Giants: J J J J

Comments: Quincy goes right to sleep on cue, and he sleeps for the entire class period.  He has learned this lesson so well that he has been observed practicing his sleeping in other classes.

Learning Our Alphabet: J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J

Comments: It appears that Quincy arrived at our school with the ability to read.  You provided excellent preparation of Quincy for the rigors of kindergarten at Ingoll’s!

Milk and Cookies: J J J

Comments: Quincy will only drink chocolate milk.  He furthermore demands that any cookie he eats be nuked for five seconds.  At first, we did not acquiesce to his demands.  (We had no microwave.)  But then the screaming began.  When we told him to stop, he told us that the song wasn’t over.  Now all of the children demand chocolate milk and nuked cookies, and if we do not comply, the screaming commences en masse.  Imagine, if you will, 22 5-year-olds, mouths open, tonsils exposed, hollering till purple.  Ha ha.  Ha.  We needed a microwave anyway.

OVERALL: Quincy is an excellent young child whom we firmly believe will transform into a generous, kind, intelligent young adult.  No real obstacle stands in the way from allowing Quincy to achieve whatever goals he sets for himself!

EXPECTED FUTURE OCCUPATIONS: CEO, Stock Analyst, Sleep-Study Participant, Dictator of Resource-Poor Nation, Unemployed