After darting through the screen door and hiding for half an hour behind the rosebushes, Quincy gradually became convinced that Teddy wasn't lying in wait for him. So he sneaked back to the living room window and peeked inside.
Mouth agape, Teddy lay motionless on the La-Z-Boy. Quincy thought he heard him snoring. He crept to the back door, pushed it open as quietly as he could, and tiptoed into the living room. Teddy's laptop was no longer on his lap.
Instead, Teddy's pants were missing. Hairless legs ended at sky blue socks, one of them hanging precariously from Teddy's bigtoe. Dad, he told himself, I gotta call him Dad. Both of Dad's hands were wrapped around his flaccid penis. From the floor next to the La-Z-Boy, Quincy heard moaning and sighing. Glancing down, Quincy noticed the laptop. Next to it, an empty bottle of Southern Comfort.
"Dad?" Quincy asked softly.
No response. He picked up the laptop. A woman seemed to be using a man's waist as a trampoline. He closed that screen to reveal Teddy's--Dad's--PokerStars cashier screen: $265.20.
New Dad is a loser, he thought.
From his Mom's computer in the bedroom, he opened his own account and transferred $40,000 to Dad's account, planning to transfer it back later. Then he started up a dozen $1000NL tables on Dad's account.
Dad's account name was Gorillacock. Within 90 seconds, Gorillacock had doubled up at three tables and been stacked at four. After ten minutes, Gorillacock's threebet percentage from late position was 80 percent.
He knew that the game was useless unless he was playing for big stacks, so Gorillacock kept taking big risks, doubling up or getting stacked. He closed his losing tables until he saw himself sitting with a $4,200 stack at a table that had two other monster stacks: $3,600 and $5,050.
When he was dealt king-eight of diamonds under the gun, he whispered breathlessly, "The epileptic chihuahua." Gorillacock raised. A big stack in middle position called, and the button, who had the table's biggest stack, reraised to $100. Quincy and the other player called.
The flop came ace of diamonds, king of spades, eight of spades.
Maybe ace king caught up, Quincy worried. He checked, middle position checked, and the button made a pot-sized bet. Quincy raised to $850. Middle position folded, and the button called.
Yep, Quincy thought. Ace king.
The turn revealed the deuce of diamonds, giving Quincy a flush draw. Gorillacock checked and, when the button made a pot-sized bet, instantly shoved all in. Before the button could call and reveal pocket kings, Quincy was already celebrating.
He didn't see the button expose middle set. Nor did he see the river diamond, which gave Quincy the flush.
He was too busy hopping from one foot to the other and waving his hands above his head, as silently as possible so as not to awake his new drunk semi-naked stepfather, who would awaken in the morning with his laptop back on his midsection, covering his manhood.
Teddy's first thought upon waking: Where are my pants?
Then he brought up the cashier screen--$4,487--and had his second thought of the morning: I should get hammered and play poker more often.
Mouth agape, Teddy lay motionless on the La-Z-Boy. Quincy thought he heard him snoring. He crept to the back door, pushed it open as quietly as he could, and tiptoed into the living room. Teddy's laptop was no longer on his lap.
Instead, Teddy's pants were missing. Hairless legs ended at sky blue socks, one of them hanging precariously from Teddy's bigtoe. Dad, he told himself, I gotta call him Dad. Both of Dad's hands were wrapped around his flaccid penis. From the floor next to the La-Z-Boy, Quincy heard moaning and sighing. Glancing down, Quincy noticed the laptop. Next to it, an empty bottle of Southern Comfort.
"Dad?" Quincy asked softly.
No response. He picked up the laptop. A woman seemed to be using a man's waist as a trampoline. He closed that screen to reveal Teddy's--Dad's--PokerStars cashier screen: $265.20.
New Dad is a loser, he thought.
From his Mom's computer in the bedroom, he opened his own account and transferred $40,000 to Dad's account, planning to transfer it back later. Then he started up a dozen $1000NL tables on Dad's account.
Dad's account name was Gorillacock. Within 90 seconds, Gorillacock had doubled up at three tables and been stacked at four. After ten minutes, Gorillacock's threebet percentage from late position was 80 percent.
He knew that the game was useless unless he was playing for big stacks, so Gorillacock kept taking big risks, doubling up or getting stacked. He closed his losing tables until he saw himself sitting with a $4,200 stack at a table that had two other monster stacks: $3,600 and $5,050.
When he was dealt king-eight of diamonds under the gun, he whispered breathlessly, "The epileptic chihuahua." Gorillacock raised. A big stack in middle position called, and the button, who had the table's biggest stack, reraised to $100. Quincy and the other player called.
The flop came ace of diamonds, king of spades, eight of spades.
Maybe ace king caught up, Quincy worried. He checked, middle position checked, and the button made a pot-sized bet. Quincy raised to $850. Middle position folded, and the button called.
Yep, Quincy thought. Ace king.
The turn revealed the deuce of diamonds, giving Quincy a flush draw. Gorillacock checked and, when the button made a pot-sized bet, instantly shoved all in. Before the button could call and reveal pocket kings, Quincy was already celebrating.
He didn't see the button expose middle set. Nor did he see the river diamond, which gave Quincy the flush.
He was too busy hopping from one foot to the other and waving his hands above his head, as silently as possible so as not to awake his new drunk semi-naked stepfather, who would awaken in the morning with his laptop back on his midsection, covering his manhood.
Teddy's first thought upon waking: Where are my pants?
Then he brought up the cashier screen--$4,487--and had his second thought of the morning: I should get hammered and play poker more often.
I'm really enjoying these chronicles!
ReplyDeleteInteresting as hell. Keep 'em coming.
ReplyDeletethis was one of my fav chapters. i remember it in great detail from the first time you psoted it!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the positive feedback.
ReplyDeleteYou are a demented genius. This is hysterical.
ReplyDelete