After Piotr took Quincy’s winnings at the craps table downstairs and got them cashed out at 40 cents on the dollar—40 percent going to the pit manager and 20 percent going to Piotr as a transaction fee—Quincy, while fighting his first hangover and after having his makeup redone and his mustache reattached with stronger glue, entered Events #3 and #4, $1,500 pot-limit holdem and $1,500 limit holdem, where he ended up being the first player to exit from each. It turned out fourbetting jack-seven offsuit didn’t have nearly as much success live as it did online.
sat. “So, what did you think of it?”
Meanwhile, Allen Cunningham won Event #2 for $725,405, an amount that seemed surprisingly little for three days of work. Still, Cunningham was beaming.
Quincy was getting knocked
out of his third event, where he kept trying to raise more than the limit
holdem rules would allow, Piotr was relaxing in Quincy’s
suite watching a new show called Mad Money, wondering whether he should sell
Microsoft and start buying Apple, until he noticed a stack of papers poking out
He slipped the papers from the bag. The cover page had the following title:
The Bible Part 2: The Revenge
Piotr shook his head, riffled the sheets. Brother, he thought. He turned the page.
Jesus lives in Heaven, a small bubble behind the moon jammed full of souls like a bag of popcorn nuked for three minutes. Jesus gets bored and decides he’s coming back to earth . . . for revenge! So Jesus hops into his rocket ship and blasts off and circles the moon and ends up looking for the shittiest town on the planet. He lands in
. Hollywood, California
He steps out of his rocket ship with a bag full of goodies—of the death-dealing kind! He’s got nunchucks, a Bowie knife, a bullwhip, an Uzi with 30 clips, a shotgun with infinite shells, some handcuffs, a couple grenades, a suitcase nuke, and a helmet with two containers on top. One container is full of mac n cheese. The other is full of root beer. Tubes snake down from the containers straight into his belly button. Whenever Jesus wants nourishment, he only has to think about it, and then the food and drink will come down through the tubes, and Jesus shall be fed. And when Jesus has to go to the bathroom, he’s got tubes for that too. But those tubes empty back into the containers on his head. But it’s not gross. Jesus knows how to turn shit into noodles, piss into root beer. Easy trick for him—magic beyond human understanding. But also really convenient, if you think about it.
instruction, Piotr looked up from his reading and thought about it. He thought that this story was the strongest
evidence he’d ever seen that Quincy
was developmentally disabled. Then he
returned to the story.
Maybe the return of Jesus will lead to a revolution in scientific exploration. No more hunger in
Africa. Thanks, Jesus.
Back to the story! Jesus is furious and ready to kill. He sees a two-story house. Inside the house are Lindsay Lohan, Jay Leno, Guy Fieri, Tom Cruise, and Honey Boo Boo—five humans who represent five of the seven deadly sins. (Wrath is too busy killing folks, and Sloth overslept and didn’t make it.)
Here’s Satan’s lineup:
Leadoff: Tom Cruise
Playing Position: Insanity + Horse Teeth + Wrong Religion
Second: Jay Leno
Third: Guy Fieri
Position: Sausage Stuffed with Shit
Cleanup: Lindsay Lohan
Fifth: Honey Boo Boo
He steps inside the door and immediately Tom Cruise is on him—toughest guy first! But Jesus is too fast for Tom Cruise. While Tom Cruise is swinging at him, Jesus pops a grenade into Tom’s mouth and pulls the pin. “Bye, Tom,” says Jesus. “You were good in Collateral.” Ka-Blammo!
“Okay then,” observes Piotr, setting down the Masterpiece. He decides it is time to invade the minibar. He chases a mini bottle of Stoli with V8.
Once Jesus is finished picking pieces of Tom Cruise out of his beard, it’s time for him to move into the living room . . . where Jay Leno is waiting with a barrel full of ninja stars! Except Jay Leno doesn’t know how to use them, which prompts the eternal question: Is Jay Leno good at anything? Jay Leno slips into the barrel and ninja stars poke his brain to death.
In the kitchen, Jesus finds Guy Fieri, who must want to eat Jesus pretty bad because he is running full steam toward him with a cleaver in one hand and some Guy Fieri Wowsa! Looooziana Style BBQ Sauce in the other hand. Jesus takes a meditative sip of root beer, calm as the Messiah, and then at the last second he steps to one side and sticks out his foot. Guy Fieri trips over it and bounces on his cleaver a few times, gutting himself with the efficiency of a master cook. Out of Guy Fieri’s guts spill some hot dog pieces and M&Ms and a gallon of Velveeta. He gobbles it up, and when it comes out the hole in his stomach, he gobbles it up again. An eternal Last Supper.
Fieri’s self-mutilation had no effect on Piotr’s appetite for Stoli, and he still had a lot of V8 left. He had a second shot.
Batting cleanup was Lindsay Lohan. Jesus found her in an upstairs bedroom. She was surrounded by empty vials and had a wild look in her glassy eyes. Bad luck for Jesus—Lindsay Lohan was high on crack! She did six twirling kicks to his scrotum, all while paparazzi photographed her from the tree outside the window. Jesus staggered and emptied his Uzi into her—but she just kept coming! He blasted her legs off with his shotgun, but then she started gnawing on his ankle. When his foot fell off, he said, “Break time. Let’s smoke some crack.” They smoked crack for a few hours till Lindsay finally OD’d three hours and 27 vials later, which is sad really, because that’s probably going to happen someday.
Hobbling out to the stairs, Jesus saw Honey Boo Boo at the bottom. Somehow she started doing backflips up the stairs, a maneuver that flipped Jesus’ shit, so he detonated the suitcase nuke that simultaneously sent Honey Boo Boo spinning to hell, transformed
into a toxic crater, and sent Jesus floating back to Heaven, victorious. Hollywood
Quincy Capers Enterprises, Co. Inc. LLC Unlimited
came into the room. Piotr didn’t try to
hide the manuscript.
“Three pages about Jesus coming back for revenge,” Piotr said.
said. “Send it to Knopf. I figure if they make the words real big they
can stretch it out to 200 pages.”
“Oh, and tell them I want to sell each copy for four hundred bucks.”
“And I want every hotel room to have a copy. Right on top of the Bible.”
Piotr sighed. “All right.”
“Uh, it was . . . good.”
“What did you think of the message?”
“The message was . . . good.”
“Good! It’ll be my gift.”
“To Natalia Pertman. After you kidnap her. How close are we to an action plan?”
Piotr struggled to think of an answer that would keep the money flowing in his direction.
Finally, he said, “Easter. You’ll have her by Easter.”