Friday, March 22, 2013

Twenty-Nine--When Bullets Fly, Do Nuns Die?

Trebek Snaps, Truckee Trembles--When Bullets Fly, Do Nuns Die?  

A National Enquirer Exclusive

To any regular game show viewers who may have harbored the lingering suspicion that Alex Trebek--host of Jeopardy!--seemed a little too pompous, a tad too strange, even a touch creepy, we invite you to answer the following question: The craziest, most violent game show host in the world.

Winning question: Who is Alex Trebek?

On Thursday evening, TV's ultimate answer man, also known as the Human Container of Information that No One Needs to Know, Thereby Helping Viewers to Replace Important Thoughts with Trivia, led a squadron of bomb- and machine-gun-toting lowlifes--38 in total!--as they stormed the Sisters of the Silent Hug, the only Franciscan convent in Northern California.  

The setting: tranquil.

The weather: overcast with ten percent chance of rain.

The sounds: birds chirping in the trees; light hum of traffic; a nun in the TV room asking another to pass the Cheetohs; the brief squeak of brakes as a bus halted abruptly at the curb outside.

The scene: Thirteen nuns were just finishing dinner and were in the midst of evening prayers and reflection or had settled in to their regular TV viewing when accounts differed as to what they heard next.  A knock?  A scratch?  Could it be a soul in need of comfort?  A homeless cat hungry for tuna?  The pizza man?  Father Sellers, drunk again, for his weekly visit to stare at Sister Suzie?

A murder squad led by TV's biggest madman?

Before they could discover the answer to this death-dealing question, double doors exploded from their hinges . . . the result of a bazooka attack!  

What happened next will haunt the sleepy town of Truckee for a century, a tragedy that the Enquirer will update weekly with glossy photos, mugshots, and victim stories in our newest series: "Spotlight on Terror."

"They poured into our home like burning urine from a syphilitic manpart," wept Sister Margaret Anne.

Firing their guns and tossing grenades in all directions, lunatics instantly destroyed the unoccupied living room, as well as the kitchen, the rosebush garden in the backyard, and the sign out front, which read simply, "Jesus Says Hi."

With the TV room occupying the rear of the convent, the Sisters of the Silent Hug marveled at their luck that the program Here Comes Honey Boo Boo had just started!

"The sounds we heard can best be described as a lightning storm engaged in carnal knowledge with an earthquake," said a breathless Sister Bertie Toto.  "You want to watch, but you know that if you do, hell fire awaits.  We were so fortunate that Honey Boo Boo was on.  If they had attacked ten minutes earlier, they would've blasted me into dust.  I was making oatmeal cookies, you see, right in the middle of their murder path.  They might have raped me first, taking turns, or all at once, flipping me like a pancake and spanking me like a bad girl, but in any case I was dead as Thanksgiving turkey."

Shots and explosions rang out throughout the convent and the surrounding grounds for two horrifying minutes, which neighbors described as "boiling tea kettles landing onto live landmines" and "a firework-filled Satanic dirty sanchez."

Upon the arrival of police, murderous thugs scattered with the wind, guns firing into the air.  Thirteen were captured, all of them confessing that they were led by a man fitting the description of Alex Trebek.  Police discovered eight dead bodies in the convent wreckage.  Their next discovery shocked them to their very core.

Not one single nun had died.

"We thank the Lord for protecting us," Sister Suzie said, while Father Sellers looked on.

Mother Agnes, the leader of the convent, was more direct.  Obviously rattled, with glass and paint chips in her hair, she said, "When you come at the Sisters of the Silent Hug, you better have your shit correct."

You said it, Sister!

Murderous Mugshots--Wednesday!

*     *     *

Murder Squad Update!  Reports surfaced just before printing that the Sisters of the Silent Hug were not the intended target of the murder squad.  The convent's address--532 East 14th Street--was mistaken by these murderous mental misfits for another address ten blocks to the west: 532 West 14th Street.

The occupants of that home?  A God-fearing family of three--mother, father, and teenage boy.

Attempts to interview the family were unsuccessful, but neighbors reported seeing the parents, Teddy and Annie Capers, as recently as this morning.

As for the 16-year-old son, Quincy Capers, numerous schoolmates made the outrageous claim that he was "in Vegas getting ready for the World Series of Poker."

One high-school source further claimed that Quincy had once appeared on the child prodigy edition of Jeopardy!, on a program that was never aired.

Too strange for coincidence?  Not when you see what we have seen--motive!  Tune in Wednesday, when we report the contents of the Lost Episode!


  1. the sign out front, which read simply, "Jesus Says Hi."


  2. Glad you liked that line. It was one of the last things I added before pressing "Publish."