Thirty-Eight--State of Confusion

Quincy reclining on the bed, Piotr sitting at the desk chair, and Arvin slumping on the recliner, they focused their attention on Natalia Pertman, trapped in a cage at the foot of the king-size bed.  They stared at her in complete confusion, and she returned their stares with amusement and anger, a mixture of emotions that only made the trio more bemused than they had been before.  Behind her, the TV, muted, was playing a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

"It's not eating," Arvin observed.

It took Quincy a second to realize that when Arvin said it, he meant Natalia Pertman.

The cage was equipped with three different perches, a water dish full to the brim with Evian, and a food dish stocked with baby carrots, celery sticks, Brazil nuts, and prunes.

"Plus I haven't seen it use any of the perches," Arvin continued, in a tone indicating that he found Natalia Pertman to be a boring pet that refused to play with her toys.

"Should I put a pizza in there?" Piotr wondered aloud.

Arvin struggled to sit up.  "You don't feed it pizza.  You buy it a wheel.  Maybe it likes to run in circles.  What pet doesn't enjoy exercise?  Or you get it a chew toy.  Chew toys are a lock."  Childlike, he plugged his pinkie into his nostril up to the second knuckle.  "Or how about a little bell?  Let it hang down in front of its face.  I bet it likes to ring bells.  Half a dozen little bells.  Ringing bells all day long.  Bells are fun."

Piotr eyed Arvin, realizing with dawning horror that the manchild in the recliner wasn't joking, that Arvin had not only forgotten that their captive was a Hollywood starlet, but he couldn't even remember what type of pet she was supposed to be--what kind of bird, after all, uses a hamster wheel?--while Quincy just stared at Pertman, mesmerized.

Finally, Natalia gave a slow nod, Quincy in her sights.  "You spent all of this time trying to catch me," she said.  "You built the cage, got the movie script, director, other actors . . . everything.  But you don't have a plan for me.  Now that you've got me, you don't know what to do with me.  You don't know how the movie ends."

"I know how the movie ends," Quincy replied.

Natalia laughed, sensing a bluff.  

Her speech must've triggered a realization in Arvin's brain, because suddenly he spouted, "Get her a companion.  Someone to play with."

When Natalia asked, "Like who?" Quincy began to blush.

"I was thinking of the hot chick from That '70s Show," Arvin said.

"The redhead?" asked Piotr.  "That's Laura Prepon.  Not that hot."

"I meant the hot chick."

"Alexis Dziena?"

"Who?  . . . You've never even seen That '70s Show," Arvin accused.

"Just a coupla times," Piotr admitted, but walking past the cage to where Arvin was lying, he showed Arvin his iphone screen.  "This is Alexis Dziena in Broken Flowers.  Her nude scene."

"She's naked," Arvin replied.

"That's what nude means."

"Cheese and crackers!  Let's get that chick for the pet.  Mila Kunis too.  We can put ecstasy in their Evian and then eat a tub of popcorn while they make out."

"Arvin," Piotr said, taking back his phone, "that's the most intelligent thing you've ever said."

Arvin shrugged.  "They've gotta drink water sometime.  Why not drug it?"

Piotr went to work on his iphone.  A minute later he said, "No good.  Dziena's in Morocco filming for Sofia Coppola, and Kunis is in New York City with McCauley Culkin."

Just as Arvin and Piotr seemed to be out of options, Quincy said, "Guys.  Could you go downstairs for a while?"

"Yeah, guys.  Could you go downstairs for a while?" Natalia repeated.  

Piotr glanced at Quincy, but Quincy wouldn't take his eyes off of Pertman.  Pertman wouldn't take her eyes off of Quincy.  "Arvin, let's go get you seven Whoppers," Gleeman said, opening the door.

"Okie dokie."

When they were gone, Quincy approached the cage, inserted the key in the lock, and opened the door.  Slowly, Natalia stepped out of the cage, crossed to the bed, and sat.  Quincy sat next to her.  She turned to him, tilted her head, and closed her eyes.

"It's called Grand Theft Auto," Quincy whispered.  She opened her eyes and saw the controller on the bed next to her hand.  "You can shoot anybody."

She raised an eyebrow.  "This is why you kidnapped me?  To play a video game?"

"It's a really good game."

"Is this the game that taught you how to kidnap movie stars?"

"You can't kidnap in this game.  You can do everything else though."

Her character hopped into a taxi and ran over a pedestrian.  Instantly, cops were in close pursuit.  "So . . . where'd you learn how to kidnap?"

"Past experience."

"How did that work out for you?"

"Not so good."